The ABC's of Sexuality and Gender: Do's and Don't's Part One

I am proud of the progress we, as a society, have made in the past few years in regards to equality in the LGBTQIA communities.  There's a big BUT coming, though.  I am proud of the progress made towards marriage equality by legalizing same sex marriage in all 50 states in late June 2015.  I am proud to see positive images of transgender individuals in the media living their lives as who they were truly meant to be, including Jazz Jennings and Caitlyn Jenner. 

BUT 

The problems and tragedies of inequality and pure hatred and ignorance prevail.  This year alone, 15 transgender people have been brutally murdered simply for being trans.  Despite it being legalized, Kim Davis, Kentucky clerk, takes the law into her own hands and refuses to marry same sex couples.  Andrew Haught and his boyfriend Zachery Hesse were attacked and assaulted in September of last year without reason other than being gay.  Gay men and women continue to be targeted and murdered in countries forbidding homosexuality. Facebook and Twitter are swarming with transgender-shaming memes and "jokes" about Caitlyn Jenner.  A Halloween costume company is marketing a Caitlyn Jenner costume this year--which is so wrong because being trans is not about putting on a costume for the pleasure and entertainment of others.  Being trans is about being one's authentic self!

Sharing a joke on Facebook or using words/phrases like "tranny" or "that's so gay" may seem harmless, but those actions lead to hate and the shaming of an entire community of human beings--and eventually lead to the hate crimes mentioned above.

So, how can you perpetuate a positive image of the LGBTQIA community?  How can you make a difference one word at a time?

First, let's talk about things to avoid saying about transgender people:

1. Don't ask to see pictures of someone from "before".
2. Don't ask them what their name "used to be".
3. Don't out anyone without their permission!  Don't inform anyone that someone is transgender without first asking that person if it's okay to do so.
4. Don't ask anyone about their genitalia.  It's none of your business!
5. Don't ask them how "sex works" for them.  Again, it's none of your business!
6. Don't ever, ever use the word "it" when describing a person!  RUDE!
7. Don't confuse gender with sexuality--a transgender person can be gay, straight, bisexual, sexually fluid, panssexual, asexual....

Now, let's talk about some things you should say:

1. Do ask people what their preferred pronoun is.  The trick here is to make this a regular habit and ask ALL people you encounter, not just those who you are unsure about because they do not conform to traditional ideas of gender.
2. Do refer to all genders, not just male or female or one or the other.  Gender is much more fluid than that.
3. Do encourage gender-neutral bathrooms and facilities.  (And if you're like me, you might say "screw gender norms" and go into whatever bathroom is currently open--regardless of the picture or word on the door.)
4. Do understand that transgender people are NORMAL and should be treated that way.
5. Do advocate for your trans friends!  Be an ally!  Combat transphobia! 

This is in no way an exhaustive list of Do's and Dont's in regards to gender identity.  I am in no way, as a cis woman, pretending to know what the trans experience is like.  But if I can help someone reading this learn and understand that despite the successes in the LGBTQIA communities, the fight is still just beginning, then I've accomplished something good.

In my next blog, we'll discuss more about the ABC's of sexuality.

Tell me what you think in the comments below.  What did I miss?  What should I highlight in future posts?

Brittany Freese, MSW, LISW, is a social worker and New York University graduate whom strives to make the world a better place each day.  You can read more about her work here.